4. Your Former Office Crush
Remember that guy, who had worked there on-and-off for years, to whom you never actually spoke but with whom you often took smoke breaks around the same time of day, mostly deliberately because you when you saw him get his coat to go outside, you’d rush to grab your own so you could walk out approximately three minutes later and stand fifteen feet away from him and never make eye contact because there was no way in hell you wanted him to know that you thought he was attractive, because good lord, what if he knew that and was like, “Ew, gross?”Anyway, he has longer hair now and lost too much weight, and it’s a good thing you never talked to him because can you imagine how your life would have ended up? Yikes.
5. The College Friend You Didn’t Know Unfriended You
Well, well, well. After those two years of cleaning up his Heineken vomit from the back of cabs and turning his head so he wouldn’t puke in your sink, it seems as if Mr. Jungle Juice himself has suddenly reevaluated your friendship, opting out of your life updates while he settles down in the dismal suburb in which he grew up to raise a steadily growing brood of gap-toothed children with that Alpha Phi sister who was always his last text of the night. Now you’ll have to rely on your mutual friends to passive aggressively share all of the photos he uploads to his profile and screenshots of his status updates that suggest a low-key affinity for Trump. (Really, bro? You think criticism of any president is uncalled for? Because you were definitely silent about this for the last eight years.)
6. The Receptionist Who Got Fired for Stealing Office Supplies
Oh, so that’s her name? She seemed very nice, if quiet. But what she lacked in an extroverted personality, she certainly made up for with her borderline-compulsive need for Post-its and gel pens (the latter you understand, as you swiped a handful yourself). You always felt bad for her when she left, as you were caught in the middle of her exit—her packing up her personal affects in one measly box, you failing to avoid eye contact as you reached around the top of the desk to grab the bathroom key, feeling very guilty that you were taking it for the fourth time that day not to relieve yourself but to sit on the toilet for approximately six to eight minutes while you scrolled through Twitter and enjoyed another brief respite from your cube mate who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Lost.
7. Your Ex’s New Boyfriend
A 24-year-old with a septum piercing, huh? Alright, sure. Godspeed.
8. That Fitness Model You Hate-Follow on Instagram
How does Facebook know? Really—how does it know. You understand the random people you gave your number to once—that sloppy weirdo you made out with at a bar, the girl who sold you a coffee table via Craigslist. But how did they know about Bryce? Bryce, with the pecs and the abs that you want and also, you know, want. Bryce, who you don’t even know, who you stumbled upon when you clicked on the #fitnessislife hashtag. Bryce, who seems so stupid, yet who also seems so sure of himself and his philosophies of mindfulness and self-love or whatever the hell he talks about in those videos you play silently because the words matter much less than the visuals. Maybe it’s just the abs and the pecs? They are very convincing. But still—how the fuck does Facebook know? You hate Bryce, but you love to hate Bryce. And maybe a part of you hates to love Bryce? Maybe you need Bryce, not just to reiterate the things you hate about yourself—you have neither pecs nor abs, nor the social media following—but because hating Bryce makes you feel better about yourself, too. You’re not making a living being hot on social media, but you’re also not hustling on social media, either, and maybe that’s the thing: You and Bryce have never met, but you strangely serve a purpose for each other. Just, you know, don’t ever buy the protein powder he’s shilling. You’ll never use it, and you’ll never forgive yourself.
9. The TV Actress With the Improv Background
You spent so much money (and, more regretfully, time) seeing your best friend perform in improv shows in gross basements that smelled of PBR and Tom’s of Maine deodorant. But you laughed so hard! Maybe none of those jokes make much sense out of context (or, in hindsight, are all that funny.) And maybe it’s very awkward to remember how many scenes you saw in which overly confident men forced the two girls on a team of ten improvisers to pretend-make-out after initiating scenes by shouting, basically, “you’re lesbians!” knowing that the rule of “yes, and” allowed him to have creepy control over women for the only time in his life. And maybe you still don’t really get how a Harold works. But none of that matters because you did meet that actress who has gone onto being in a lot of TV shows, slowly rising from The Main Idiot Character’s Girlfriend to The Sassy Friend Whose Disgusted Faces Are Perfect for GIFs, and every time you see a loop of her facial reactions on Twitter you think, “It’s so cool that I know someone famous!”
10. Your Mom
Oh, hell no.