Tips to ensure your sanity.
Going on a big fun boisterous vacation with a few cars’ full of pals always sounds like a brilliant idea: It’ll kind of be like college again, you’ll think to yourself warmly, but without any flip flops or keg stands. You book a big house, maybe in the mountains or near a lake, that sleeps a dozen and offers lots of picturesque
Instagrams views. There will be grilling! There will be stories! There will be adventures! There also might be an insane amount of interpersonal conflict if you don’t plan things well!
There are a few people you need in any large-scale trip to keep the wheels turning: the type-A planner (but only bring one); the person who can cook (or at least scramble eggs for 10); the person who can drive. But there’s also a bunch of people you want to cut out from any sort of group vacation, to risk toxicity and total madness. Do your best to leave them at home, lest your idyllic group vacation become some weird dystopic version of Big Brother gone wrong.
The Control Freak
This person wants to make every decision, sign off on every menu item, and leave at exactly 10 A.M. and not a minute later on Sunday morning. This person might have a thing for very rigorous structured fun. They have won every corn maize they have ever participated, even though there aren’t really winners or losers in corn maizes. This person does not do well with not getting what they want, and they will make every person miserable and stressed out. Leave them at home to dust their baseboards.
The Loud Sex Havers
We get it! You fuck! But you don’t have to do so—loudly—throughout the entirety of a group vacation. The purpose of this sort of trip is to allow everybody to relax. Not possible if two people are vociferously doin’ it on a creaky cabin bed for five our straight every morning and night.
The Couple on the Rocks
Another dangerous couple, only instead of rubbing their bodies all over each other all weekend, they will be filling every common space with odious tension and the threat of a breakup at all times. Let them figure their shit out at home; they’re clearly not going to have fun in a big group, and if they’re around, the group won’t either.
This person will spend the entire vacation on Tinder, Bumble, Raya, Grindr, Scruff, or Christian Mingle. All they will talk to you about is whether a prospective hottie is, indeed, hot, and whether their profile is impressive enough.
The Person Who Has Already Been There
There’s that one breakfast place that has simply the best chilaquiles, and the coffee shop that really gets it right with their pour overs, and the super-scenic hike that takes 10 hours but is totally worth it—and if this person comes along, they’re gonna bossily remind you of their expertise the entire time.
The Person Who Loves Drama
Remember high school? Remember that one friend who counted “starting fights and gossiping” as a extracurricular activities? Remember how they grew up and didn’t change one bit? On a group vacation, they can turn the tiniest thing into drama: who chose which bedroom, what Dan decided to cook for dinner—and you’ll be dragged into all of it.
The Workout Shamer
Some people love to work out on vacation. That’s great! Never skip leg day, as they say. But you’ve got to draw the line at people who are gonna make every single non-exercising person feel guilty about sitting on the couch during their hard-won vacation. Never invite someone who’s gonna give you the side eye when you don’t join them on an eight-mile run and then ask you later if you really need that last slice of pizza. (The answer is yes, yes you do.)